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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25200250">Is it 42?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehonkboy/pseuds/thehonkboy'>thehonkboy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insomnia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Overthinking, Sad Bang Chan, We love you Bang Chan, bang chan best leader, not all sad, patience - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:40:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,600</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25200250</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehonkboy/pseuds/thehonkboy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>No family.</p><p>No friends.</p><p>Nobody to talk to.</p><p>Stuck in his own mind.</p><p>Is it really worth it?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Kim Woojin, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>70</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Thoughts... voices?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Please read tags before reading. TWs</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He moved to South Korea in hopes of meeting new people and sharing his music and producing skills with the world. He had sky high hopes the second he stepped foot into the JYP building. Everything was so perfect...</p><p>So he thought.</p><p>Bang Chan Made many friends almost instantly, males and females alike as he was very social and confident. But soon he came across a trainee his age that he soon realized had a personality that resembled his own. He knew he just HAD to get to know the thin red haired boy. So after morning workouts when they were relaxing and getting ready for the busy day ahead he decided that this was the time to make his move. So he shuffled across the room and-</p><p>"Hello mate, I'm Bang Chan" He introduced himself enthusiastically while holding out his pale hand to the boy in front of him.</p><p>"My name is Kunpimook Bhuwakul" He answered slowly as he accepted the hand shake that was offered to him.</p><p>Chan was a bit confused with this foreign name and the boy seemed to notice.</p><p>"But you can just call me Bambam" he added seemingly satisfied with Chan's reaction.</p><p>"I've have never heard a name like that before, Where are you from?" Chan was intrigued and genuinely curious at this point. "I'm from Bangkok Thailand. You?" Bambam asked just as curiously. "I grew up in Sydney, Australia." He answered happily. "You said 'grew up'. Are you not from there?" Bambam seemed confused. "Nah, I wasn't born there, I just lived there most of my life."</p><p>"Okay so where were you born?" Bambam asked plainly.</p><p>"Guess you'll never know" Chan answered with a smile. He was just happy that he got to confuse Bambam like he did him in the beginning. </p><p>After that morning they continued to get closer and eventually became best friends.</p><p>A bit farther down the road a competitive show for the next debuting boy group was in session. "Who is next: WIN" was the name of the show. Chan was so sure that he was going to be a part of it... but sadly he didn't quite make the cut. An upset Bang Chan went to go find Bambam to tell him the news. He found him typing away on his laptop in the main break room.</p><p>"I didn't make the cut" he sighed as he dramatically threw himself into a chair. "For what?" Bambam said with not much interest. "The 'Who is next' show that's starting up". Bambam suddenly stopped typing and was quiet for a moment.</p><p>"My friends Mark and Jackson are participating in it. They asked me to join but I'm too young so I applied to be on the dance team and I got a spot." he said as he was closing the laptop.</p><p>"WHAT? Mate that's great I'm proud of you." Chan tried to hide the hurt in his voice. Must have succeeded because Bambam didn't say anything about it. He was so proud that his best friend was really getting somewhere and that his skills were being put to use... but at the same time he always thought that they were always going to be doing things together.</p><p>The show kicked off and he seen less and less of Bambam so he decided to start hanging around his other friends to just wait everything out. The show was coming to an end and Chan was so excited to be getting his friend back. He was too busy to sit down and watch the show so he decided to ask Bambam himself when everything was over. All he knew was that the debuting group would be called GOT6. On the last airing of the show he got to see him.</p><p>"How did everything go? Did Jackson and Mark make it into GOT6?" Chan had many questions for the brown haired boy."Yeah, they made it. BUT GUESS WHAT" Bambam yelled with excitement. "WHAT?" Chan answered with just as much energy.</p><p>"I MADE IT!"</p><p>"Wait you're going to actually debut?"<br/>
"Yeah sometime next year. I can't believe I'm actually going to debut. GOT7!!!''</p><p>Chan was so proud of his best friend he couldn't think of anything else. </p><p>As time went on he again saw less and less of Bambam because of his now very busy schedule in getting ready for the debut. Some nights, Chan would stay up later than usual. During these times he would be reading or thinking up potential lyrics. it was one of these nights in which... different thoughts decided to evade his tired mind. Chan looked over to his alarm clock in which it read '3:26am'. He was just laying there quietly when all of a sudden the thoughts started making their way into his head.</p><p>Thoughts of why he didn't make it.<br/>
Wondering if his visuals weren't good enough.<br/>
Wondering if his vocals weren't good enough.<br/>
Thinking about the sudden absence of his best friend.</p><p>With that final thought he began to notice that all his friends were leaving. Debuting.<br/>
Along with that, came with the thoughts of his loving family. Chan's family. Oh his family. He missed them so much, his hardworking father, his mother's cooking, his energetic brother, his creative sister. Its been a few years without seeing them and being the young teen that he is makes him feel homesick.</p><p>Memories of both his friends and family flooded his mind. While these memories are supposed to make him feel safe and euphoric... they only made him feel the complete opposite. Memories. That's all they are. By the time they finally dispersed he looked over to his nightstand to his alarm clock '6:00am'. "Guess I should be getting ready for the day" He sighed quietly to himself not wanting to wake the other trainees in the room. Chan made his way to the small bathroom down the hall. He tried to close the extremely squeaky door as quietly as he could.</p><p>He walked over to turn the shower on and adjust the temperature. He took off his shirt and looked in the mirror '𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘶𝘵𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘵' he chuckled to himself whille examining the dark circles under his eyes and proceeded to undress. He stepped into the shower and allowed himself to be engulfed under the hot water... and then those thoughts from last night decided to make themselves known. </p><p>𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴.<br/>
𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯'𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥.<br/>
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘺.<br/>
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘦𝘣𝘶𝘵.<br/>
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦.<br/>
𝙈𝙖𝙮𝙗𝙚 𝙞𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙩 𝙬𝙚𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩.</p><p>Chan couldn't stand the thoughts... voices? He didn't know what they were. He stepped out of the shower, quickly got dressed, brushed his teeth, and headed to the kitchen where the other trainees were chatting and having breakfast. Once he entered, he was overwhelmed with the smell of eggs and toast.</p><p>"Hey Chris we saved you a plate over here" a trainee said while pointing to a plate of eggs and toast next to the stove. "Thank you" Chan replied with a small bow as he past the other. "The rest of us are heading out to get some practice in, come join us when you're finished" another trainee offered with a smile. Chan just shook his head up and down. The others finished before him because he was in the bathroom when they started eating. A few minutes later and they all left. Here he is all by himself once again. He finished up his food and right before he washed his dishes one of those thoughts from the shower popped up in his head '𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵'. He shook it off for the time being and washed his dishes. He's never had thoughts like this before so it's probably nothing, right?</p><p>His morning continued as it normally would he met up with his dorm mates and they did some morning workouts and some vocal practice until around 1:30. Then they had lunch. Usually Chan would join them and would talk about their schedules for the rest of the day but today... He just wanted to be alone for a bit even though he knew it wouldn't be a good idea. He sat at a bench near the entrance to the break room and he looked down at his Japchae when a voice in his head spoke up. </p><p>𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵. 𝘐𝘵 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘻𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘵. 𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘤.</p><p>Chan once again pushed the thoughts away and ate his food knowing he's going to need the energy for the rest of the day.<br/>
The day went on with those thoughts coming in and out. When he returned to the dorm around 1am he seen that the others were already sleeping. Which didn't surprise him as they were always sleeping at this time. </p><p>A month has went by and all those thoughts just got stronger, more clearer, more louder, more true...<br/>
Chan has succumbed to these voices. He threw sleep out the window as he knows hes unable to do the desirable action.<br/>
'2:40am' Chan was alone in the dorm sitting in the corner of the kitchen leaning on a cabinet. He hasn't eaten much in a week and he was so so stressed, upset, angry, pathetic. He ate all the junk food he can find.</p><p>All of a sudden he's feeling a wave of dread and regret and although he feels too exhausted to move he musters up all the strength he has and lifts himself up and runs to the bathroom. He regretted consuming all those calories. </p><p>He wanted them gone. He NEEDED them gone. He wanted to be beautiful, he wanted to be thinner, he wanted to be loved. </p><p>'𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯'𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭.'<br/>
'𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩.'<br/>
'𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵.'<br/>
'𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶.'<br/>
He knows the voices were right. </p><p>The second he got to the toilet he pressed his fingers against his gag reflex and out came the food he consumed earlier. With no more energy left he flushed it down and leans against the bathtub. Tears. His eyes burn so much and the tears began to stream down his cheeks onto his shirt.<br/>
He felt so small, so helpless, so lonely. He cries himself to sleep right then and there.</p><p>In the morning he crawled over to the cabinet and grabbed out a febreeze bottle and sprayed the bathroom to cover up the odor of puke. He put the can away and stood up.<br/>
Washed his face in hopes to treat his swollen red eyes and cheeks. He knows the binging is bad he knows the purging is harming his singing and even his performance but he can't stop. He can't stop until he's beauiful.</p><p>He dried his face and looked in the mirror and lifted up his shirt.  He was hideous. Fat. Worthless. Unlovable. No wonder he didn't have any friends, no wonder his family barely contacted him. They were ashamed of him. Ashamed that he can't do anything right. Ashamed that he couldn't make it. Ashamed he wasn't beautiful.</p><p>No family.</p><p>No friends.</p><p>Nobody to talk to.</p><p>Stuck in his own mind.</p><p>Is it really worth it?</p><p>These were the only things Chan could think about.</p><p>This went on for 2 years, this same cycle everyday<br/>
'𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳.'</p><p>His shirts started to hang on him loosely. His sweatpants were always tied on his hipbones. His once perfectly fitted sweaters became oversized on him. He was withering away and he knew it. For some reason he was still here, still breathing. There was a reason although he has not discovered that reason yet he knew he had to keep living.</p><p>He was laying in bed and his new dorm mates (His old ones debuted or left the company) were out for practicing and doing their schedules. He heard a knock on the front door. He wanted whoever was knocking to go away and leave him alone, but the knocking didn't let up so he sluggishly made his way to the door and opened it slowly. It was JYP.</p><p>"I'm putting you in a different dorm with different Trainees." was the first thing that was said. </p><p>"Okay, when and where" Chan said with a blank expression as this was no surprise to him</p><p>"This dorm I'm putting you in will consist of 8 others, I hope that doesn't bother you too much." JYP said examining Chan's physicality.</p><p>"I'll get my things together and move there today, why am I switching?" Chan asked plainly. </p><p>"I figured that you've been in this one for a long time and change is good." There was a pause.</p><p>"You've lost weight" he commented</p><p>"I know." He knew that he shouldn't be happy with that but he couldn't help it.</p><p>"Take care of yourself". Chan was glad JYP didn't press the matter any further and he closed the door. '𝘎𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵, 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘭 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩.' He got his things together, which wasn't much and he was out in an hour.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Is there hope?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The fuckening</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was around 6pm so the dorm he stepped into was empty. Good. He looked around and noticed things were organized and the rooms were labeled with names. He passed the living area and the kitchen with not much more than a sigh. This dorm was noticeably larger than his last dorm. He looked at the names labelled on each of the rooms.</p><p>𝘙𝘰𝘰𝘮 1<br/>
𝘒𝘪𝘮 𝘞𝘰𝘰𝘫𝘪𝘯<br/>
𝘚𝘦𝘰 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘣𝘪𝘯<br/>
𝘓𝘦𝘦 𝘍𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘹</p><p>𝘙𝘰𝘰𝘮 2<br/>
𝘏𝘢𝘯 𝘑𝘪𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘨<br/>
𝘠𝘢𝘯𝘨 𝘑𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯</p><p>𝘙𝘰𝘰𝘮 3<br/>
𝘓𝘦𝘦 𝘔𝘪𝘯𝘩𝘰<br/>
𝘏𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘨 𝘏𝘺𝘶𝘯𝘫𝘪𝘯<br/>
𝘒𝘪𝘮 𝘚𝘦𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘮𝘪𝘯<br/>
𝘉𝘢𝘯𝘨 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘯</p><p>He looked at the door across from his and noticed that it was the bathroom. '𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘦𝘳'<br/>
"They must have known I was coming." Chan said skeptically. He opened the door and walked inside the pretty large room. He looked at each of the beds and noticed that they were all... different. Pesonalities were shown more and more as he looked around the room. One of the beds had photos of cats on the wall. It made him smile to know that at least these trainees didn't seem boring. He walked over to a bed in the corner of the room but before he sat his things down he seen an envelope.</p><p>'𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦' is what it read, he opened the envelope that contained a card and a few chocolate coins. He set his things on the floor and opened the envelope. It reminded him of cards he would recieve on his birthdays from relatives and friends. The front of the card contained a bunch of animals with '𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦' written in large, blue, glittery letters. He proceeded to open the card itself and it had the names of the other trainees with little animals drawn on it. Even their signatures were unique.</p><p>"𝘞𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦. 𝘓𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘥 ;)" he scoffed at this but decided to look under the bed. He reached out and grabbed a meduim sized box. It was a regular cardboard box and he thought nothing of it until he opened it. It contained two small stuffed animals; a fox and a bear, a bunch of candies, and a letter that said "𝘐𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘞𝘰𝘰𝘫𝘪𝘯 𝘩𝘺𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘢". He looked at the candies and his stomach churned. He was starving. He pushed the candies and letters back under the bed and set the stuffed animals on top of his blankets.</p><p>'𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴' The voices in his head commented as he got his things settled. When everything is in its place he looks over to the clock above the door '8:00'. They won't be here for at least an hour. He layed down and only just noticed how tired he was. He started counting kagaroos.</p><p>𝘖𝘯𝘦. 𝘛𝘸𝘰. 𝘛𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘦. 𝘍𝘰𝘶𝘳. 𝘍𝘪𝘷𝘦. 𝘚𝘪-</p><p>BANG!</p><p>He heard the front door to the dorm burst open and he bolted upright while recovering from his mini heart attack. He heard voices entering the dorm. LOUD voices.'𝘋𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘶𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘷𝘰𝘪𝘤𝘦𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥'. He swung his legs over the bed and was about to stand up when suddenly the door to the room he was in slammed open a sweaty boy wearing grey sweatpants and a black t-shirt walked into the room. He walked over to a bed on the other side of the room that contained all the cat photos he seen when he entered the room. He sat down on the bed and sighed.. then he looked up and screamed? Sounded like a screech if anything. Seconds later a thin blonde haired boy ran into the room weilding a broom. "What's wrong Minho hyung!" the small boy yelled.</p><p>"𝘈𝘩, 𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘔𝘪𝘯𝘩𝘰' Chan thought to himself </p><p>Then an orange haired boy ran in with a nerf gun and tripped over the blonde and they both tumbled onto the floor.<br/>
Chan looked back over to 'Minho'</p><p>"My saviors" He rolled his eyes at the mess of limbs on the floor. He walked over to Chan.</p><p>"Are you this Bang Chan Woojin hyung spoke of?" Minho looked at him quizzically.</p><p>"Yeah my name is Bang Chan but just call me Chan." Right after he said those words he mentally slapped himself in the face '𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘦? 𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩'</p><p>"Okay 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘯, my name is Lee Minho" He held his hand out for Chan to shake but the memories from when he met Bambam flashed in his mind and he just looked away. Minho must have gotten the message because he put his hand down. He pointed to the boys laying on the floor. "The blonde haired idiot is Lee Felix and the orange haired idiot is Han Jisung, sadly that's my idiot" he sighed. "Lets go introduce you to Woojin hyung." was the last thing he said before walking over and picking up 'Jisung'. "I'M JISUNG!" he yelled before allowing himself to be carried off. The blonde haired boy made his way over to Chan. He jumped up really fast and it made Chan dizzy to see someone so energetic. He wish that he had some of that energy.</p><p>"Hi mate, I'm Lee Felix! I don't speak much korean so I hope you understand what I'm saying" Chan noticed that he had an extremely deep voice and spoke english.. but was that an aussie accent?</p><p>"I'm Bang Chan" He replied in english and he seen Felix freeze... oh but only for a second.</p><p>"A-are you from... Australia?" He asked with a huge smile and cresent moon eyes.</p><p>"Yeah. Sydney."</p><p>"No way that's where I'm from! Finally, someone I don't have to speak korean to all the time." He looked so happy.. to see me?</p><p>Felix jumped up and bolted out of the room "WOOJIN HYUNG GUESS WHAT!" was all Chan heard before making his way out of the room. '𝘞𝘩𝘰 𝘪𝘴 𝘞𝘰𝘰𝘫𝘪𝘯 𝘩𝘺𝘶𝘯𝘨?'<br/>
Chan walked into the hallway and saw Jisung tackling a tall thin brown haired boy. '𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯'𝘵 𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨'</p><p>The two boys were quickly seperated by a short black haired boy with a black cap and black clothes.<br/>
Chan walked into the living room and felt all eyes on him. He hated being the center of attention. He felt like throwing up right then and there. Instead, he walked over to a leather chair in the corner of the room and sat down. "Did you like the plushies?" he located the small voice beside him and saw a black haired boy that resembled a... fox?</p><p>"Yes. They were cute."</p><p>"It was Woojin hyung's idea. He's in the bathroom right now but I'm sure he'll be out soon. I'm Yang Jeongin by the way. I'm the youngest out of everyone." he smiled and showed his braces. '𝘢 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘺𝘦𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦'</p><p>He looked at the other end of the couch and seen the boy that Jisung tackled earlier sitting on the lap of another brown haired boy. "I'm Kim Seungmin" said the boy that was sitting on the couch. He nudged the boy on his lap "I'm Hwang Hyunjin" he pouted in response.</p><p>Someone cleared their throat and Chan looked towards the source. It was the short black haired boy.<br/>
"I'm Changbin" He explained in a raspy voice.</p><p>"I'm Bang Chan" Chan looked around the room as he introduced himself. He forced a fake smile. The least he could do is try to show some common courtesy, right?</p><p>He noticed that Felix and Jisung weren't around. As if on que, there was screaming and rapid footsteps coming from the hallway, Felix tried to hide behind Changbin while Jisung dissappeared into the kitchen. "Woojin hyung is chasing us!" He yelled. </p><p>Just as he said that, someone ran out with a smile and Chan froze. He's so ethreal. Not like anyone Chan has seen before.<br/>
He quickly snapped out of his trance and looked away. Seungmin must noticed because he smirked at Chan. Before Chan could react he looked up and saw Woojin in front of him.</p><p>"Hey there Chan, I'm Kim Woojin" he offered a handshake. "Don't even try hyung. He doesn't do handshakes" Minho scoffed. '𝘎𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵, 𝘩𝘦'𝘴 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 2 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘯'</p><p>Woojin turned around and announced "Seungmin and I will go make dinner."</p><p>"Sorry I'm busy" Seungmin said while pointing at the sleeping boy in his lap. "Does anyone else want to help me make dinner?"<br/>
Everyone but Hyunjin and Seungmin said a 'maybe next time' or an 'I'm busy' as they made a quick escape to their rooms. Jisung ran out of the kitchen and followed Minho into their room.</p><p>Without thinking Chan jumped up "I'll help" 𝘚𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥. 𝘚𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥. 𝘚𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥. 𝘚𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥. He thought as he followed Woojin to the kitchen.</p><p>Woojin pulled out 12 packets of ramen. Chan looked over with wide eyes. Woojin noticed "You''ll be surprised with how much these tiny boys can eat" he chuckled.<br/>
The rest of the time was pretty quiet other than Woojin trying to make small talk. Chan just nodded or just ignored him completely. He felt like he would throw up if he opened his mouth. When they were finished, Chan was setting the table while Woojin went to get everyone else. Seungmin carried a tired Hyunjin to his chair and sat next to him while Felix, Jisung, and Jeongin ran in like their life depended on it. They were followed by Changbin and Minho who calmly took their seats at the table. Once they were all situated Chan was walking out. He needed to get away. "Aren't you going to eat with us?" Chan for some reason knew it was Jeongin and he refused to turn around and look at him. He just nodded his head and said "I'm tired, I'll just go lay down." Chan tried to walk down the hall as calmly as he can, walked into the bathroom, puked into the toilet, flushed it, washed his face, walked over to his bed, laid down, and the oh so familiar thoughts flooded his mind... although they were different thoughts this time.</p><p>'𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦'<br/>
'𝘞𝘰𝘰𝘫𝘪𝘯 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦'<br/>
'𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶'<br/>
'𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺'𝘭𝘭 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶'<br/>
'𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺'𝘳𝘦 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘦'<br/>
'𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘦'<br/>
'𝘋𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶-</p><p>His thoughts were interrupted with knocking on the door. He quickly faced the wall and heard someone come in. No three someones.<br/>
Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Minho.<br/>
He heard two of them jump onto their beds and one of them had a war with their blankets. When they settled he turned around and almost screamed until he noticed that it was Seungmin.</p><p>"I knew you were awake. Jeongin was worried about you not eating dinner so he wanted me to bring you some"<br/>
Chan didn't even notice that Seungmin was holding anything. He sat up and took the bowl from him. Seungmin then sat on the edge of Chan's bed looking at him expectingly.<br/>
"Take a few bites and I'll leave you alone" was all that he said. '𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦?'<br/>
"I'm feeling sick, not really hungry" Chan couldn't stand looking or smelling the food so he sat it on his nightstand. But Seungmin just sat there, not saying a word. They sat like that for a few minutes, Chan hoping that the boy will give up and go to bed... but he didn't.</p><p>"You're food is getting cold" Seungmin said without emotion. '𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘢 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘰𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦?'<br/>
Chan wanted this to be over so he grabbed his bowl of ramen and looked at it. He picked up some noodles with his chopsticks. He put it in his mouth. His mouth and throat burned as he already felt his body wanting to reject it, but if he wanted Seungmin to leave him alone he had to get over it. After what seems like forever Chan got down the first bite and looked at the boy in front of him hoping he was satisfied... but he wasn't.</p><p>"Take another bite."<br/>
Chan did as he said and it pained him just as much as the first bite did. He felt tears threatening to fall and show him as weak and vulnerable. It was pretty dark in the room so he hoped Seungmin didn't notice.<br/>
This repeated over and over and it hurt more and more each time until the bowl only contained broth. Seungmin gave him a water bottle, nodded at him, and laid down in his own bed without saying a word. Chan drank half of the water bottle and turned towards the wall and quietly cried himself to sleep. </p><p>He woke up at 6:00 Am per usual and he felt... energized... happy. He just really needed to pee.<br/>
He walked across the hall to the bathroom half asleep and did his business. He walked over to the sink to wash his hands and face and he looked up... into the mirror. He did NOT like what he was seeing at all. It was that ramen wasn't it? The reason why his cheeks were so chubby and huge. The reason why his neck was so round. Was his jawline gone? He knew he had to go burn some calories at the gym. He didn't know how much... actually all... he wanted all these fat calories gone. He can't be beautiful if they weigh him down. He can't be perfect until they are all gone. He got dressed and walked out of the bathroom. </p><p>He was used to being the first one awake. He was used to being alone in the morning. He made his way into the living room and he looked to his right and was surprised. Woojin and Seungmin were awake and were making breakfast in the kitchen. Woojin noticed Chan standing there. "Want some Korean egg roles?" Woojin asked with a warm smile. </p><p>"Uh.. not right now I'm actually heading to the gym"</p><p>"Okay, well at least get something to eat right before or right after" </p><p>"I will" He hated lying but it was all he did.</p><p>He was at the gym for 4 hours before returning to the dorm for a much needed shower. It was 11:00 Am so the dorm should be empty now, right?<br/>
Chan got to the dorms and to his relief there was not a person in sight. He went to the bathroom, adjusted the water temperature. Now was the hardest part... undressing. He first took off his shirt revealing his flabby pecs and fatty stomach. He took off his shorts to reveal his thighs that jiggled under him like the walrus he was. He stepped into the shower and was careful not to touch his skin unless he had to because he wasn't beautiful enough to be touched.</p><p>He has been living with these trainees for a few months but he keeps them at bay because he doesn't want to worry them or let them get close. Woojin. Woojin was the hardest to keep away. He had an effect on Chan that he didn't deserve. Has he fallen in love with Woojin? It's not like Woojin would return those feelings in a million years.</p><p>One rare day when the others weren't in the dorm he couldn't take the hunger, the tiredness, the stress, the loneliness, and the voices. Here he was binging once again he ate and ate until he couldn't anymore. The feeling of regret that became oh so familiar to him came back and he quickly ran into the bathroom and used all of his energy to empty his body. To cleanse it of the calories he shouldn't have consumed in the first place. In his rush to get to the toilet he made the foolish mistake of leaving the door open. He flushed the toilet and didn't have the energy to make a move to close it.</p><p>"GET WOOJIN HYUNG!" is the first thing Chan hears when he wakes up. When did he fall asleep?<br/>
"HURRY HYUNJIN GO GET HIM!" It was Innie's voice. Chan's heart broke into a million pieces. Innie doesn't deserve to see him in such a condition.<br/>
As he was having trouble breathing, he looked down and saw his hipbones poking out a lot, so much that there was a gap between the waistband and his stomach. he looked at his arms and legs, they didn't jiggle anymore. He was proud of himself, he couldn't stop smiling.</p><p>He was finally beautiful.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chan is proud?</p><p> </p><p>_____________________</p><p>Next chapter starts sad but ends happily</p><p>I promise</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Forgive... and forget?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tw: blood</p><p>                                                   Sorry for the overuse of 'Chan' and 'Woojin'</p><p>                                             Just want to make sure you guys knew who was talking</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I didn't want to believe them. I didn't want to believe that you were slowly killing yourself hyung." Jeongin cried as he held Chan's hand and desperately tried to wipe away the blood that was coating his knuckles. Chan's vision got blurry and he seen Changbin come in and pulled the hysteric Jeongin away from him. He looked behind Changbin and Jeongin to see a horrified Jisung. 

Chan was suddenly given some water and he had no choice but to drink it, all of it. Wow he felt dehydrated. His vision began to clear up but he still had no energy so he didn't even attempt to move. Someone picked him up and he got a glimpse of the hallway. Minho was putting the others in the living room and Chan could hear muffled sobs. '𝘋𝘪𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦?'</p><p>He was put on a bed in an unfamiliar room. He looked up to who put him there and it was Woojin. He was beautiful now, maybe Woojin will love him now.<br/>
He gave Chan more water so he'd be able to speak. Chan was just so tired. He didn't feel a thing. His eyelids were getting so heavy.</p><p>"No no no no no baby please stay with me, stay with me!"<br/>
'𝘞𝘢𝘴 𝘞𝘰𝘰𝘫𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘪𝘮?'</p><p>"Keeps your eyes open. Do it for Innie, do it for Seungmin, do it for Felix, do it for Jisung, do it for Hyunjin, do it for Changbin, do it for Minho. Do it for me. Just please keep your eyes open." Woojin had tears running down his cheeks. He wants Chan to be okay he wants him to be happy. He moved himself onto the bed and sat against the wall then positioned Chan to lay across his thighs, making sure he in a comfortable position. Chan kept his eyes open. This was his reason, this is why he made it so long. Why did he just notice?</p><p>"I'm beautiful now" Chan managed to say and Woojin almost didn't hear it. He has tears in his eyes but he reached over to the nightstand and grabbed a protein shake and pulled Chan into a sitting position then made him drink its contents. Chan was starting to feel better.</p><p>"You've always been beautiful" Woojin choked. '𝘏𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵?'</p><p>"From the moment I seen you I knew you were special, I knew you were different, you were just so beautiful. I don't know what's going on in that pretty head of yours but you're so perfect. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to rely on us. We aren't leaving you. You're so amazing and talented. Me and the boys are all so so very proud of you for holding on and staying strong. I know it is really hard to get past this but you don't have to do this alone because we care about you so much. We should have noticed sooner and I'm so sorry that we didn't. Everything was going to be alright." Woojin felt himself rambling the honest thoughts he's kept to himself for so long.</p><p>'𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦? 𝘐'𝘮 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘯𝘰𝘸. 𝘐'𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯 𝘯𝘰𝘸. 𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨"</p><p>"I'm not perfect. Innie is perfect. Seungminnie is perfect. Lix is perfect. Sung is perfect. Hyunjinnie is perfect. Binnie is perfect. Lino is perfect. You are perfect." Chan for some reason felt more comfortable to call them by their nicknames. He closed his eyes because he knew he didn't deserve to look at someone so special.<br/>
</p><p>"I didn't even deserve your guys presence. I don't deserve your guys worry or attention. You guys didn't deserve to live with a fat, ugly, worthless, stupid, lazy, patheti-"<br/>
</p><p>Chan was cut of by something soft on his lips but he didn't dare open his eyes. He wanted to pull away but at the same time he didn't want to be away from the comfort it served. He felt Woojin's hand drift down to his waist but stopped there and didn't go down any further. '𝘋𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘞𝘰𝘰𝘫𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘭𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘦? 𝘕𝘰, 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘩.'</p><p>"Stop thinking and listen to everything I say, alright?" He heard Woojin whisper softly. Chan just nodded his head so Woojin knew he was listening.</p><p>"You're not fat. Your body is perfect." He kissed Chan's chin.<br/>
You're not ugly. You're gorgeous" He kissed Chan's right cheek.<br/>
You're not worthless. You're worth everything." He kissed Chan's left cheek.<br/>
You're not stupid. You're so so smart." He kissed Chan's forehead<br/>
You're not lazy. You're the most hard working person I know". He kissed Chan's nose.<br/>
But most of all, you are not weak. You're the strongest person I've ever seen." He kissed Chan's lips.</p><p>When Woojin finished, Chan opened his eyes and saw how genuine he was with his words. Chan choked back a sob. '𝘏𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦'</p><p>"I love you"</p><p>Was all Woojin had to say for Chan to break. He broke down right there. He couldn't keep the tears back as they streamed down his face. 𝘏𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴<br/>
'𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘋𝘖𝘌𝘚 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘦'<br/>
'𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘋𝘖𝘌𝘚 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦'<br/>
"I love you too" was the last thing Chan said before drifting off to sleep with the comfort of Woojin's arms around him. For the first time in a long time, he felt safe.</p><p>Woojin rocked Chan back and forth then kissed him on the forehead one last time before he called Minho in.<br/>
Minho ran into the room with tears on his cheeks and stared at Chan with wide eyes before looking at Woojin.<br/>
"He'll be alright" Woojin whispered with a smile. Minho let out a sigh of relief before wiping away the remaining tears from his swollen red eyes.<br/>
"Go get everyone else and tell them everything is alright. There's something we need to talk about."</p><p>He banaged up Chan's hand before the others can come into the room and see it.</p><p>They discussed room changes and made it so Woojin can keep a closer eye on Chan. </p><p>𝘙𝘰𝘰𝘮 1<br/>
𝘒𝘪𝘮 𝘚𝘦𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘮𝘪𝘯<br/>
𝘏𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘨 𝘏𝘺𝘶𝘯𝘫𝘪𝘯<br/>
𝘠𝘢𝘯𝘨 𝘑𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯</p><p>𝘙𝘰𝘰𝘮 2<br/>
𝘒𝘪𝘮 𝘞𝘰𝘰𝘫𝘪𝘯<br/>
𝘉𝘢𝘯𝘨 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘯</p><p>𝘙𝘰𝘰𝘮 3<br/>
𝘓𝘦𝘦 𝘔𝘪𝘯𝘩𝘰<br/>
𝘏𝘢𝘯 𝘑𝘪𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘨<br/>
𝘚𝘦𝘰 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘣𝘪𝘯<br/>
𝘓𝘦𝘦 𝘍𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘹</p><p>Woojin didn't know how to feel about Jisung and Felix in the same room but he did tell them that they can choose the rooms they want to be in and at least he didn't have to worry about Jisung killing Hyunjin in the middle of the night... hopefully.<br/>
</p><p>Chan woke up the next morning in a smaller room than he remembered falling asleep in. He heard soft breathing and felt something warm on his waist. He turned around and was face to face with Woojin and he looked down and saw Woojin's hand resting on his small waist. He looked back up to Woojin's sleeping face and remembered everything the older said the day before.

</p><p>'𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘦𝘤𝘵'<br/>
'𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘰𝘶𝘴'<br/>
'𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘩 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨'<br/>
'𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘴𝘰 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘵'<br/>
'𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸'<br/>
'𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘯'</p><p>He moved the stray hairs out of Woojin's face and connected their lips. What he didn't expect was for him to kiss him back. Chan slowly pulled away and Woojin just smiled at him.

</p><p>"I'm going to go to the bathroom real quick" Chan said before sitting up and facing away from Woojin.

</p><p>"Hey" Woojin sighed. Chan turned around to hear what the other male had to say.
</p><p>"Remember, you're beautiful, you're strong, you can get past this, you will get better" Chan just smiled at him before walking down the hall to the bathroom.
</p><p>He did his business and washed his hands and face. Then he looked up to the mirror.

</p><p>'𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘤'<br/>
'𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘵'<br/>
'𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘢𝘵'<br/>
'𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘶𝘮𝘣, 𝘶𝘨𝘭𝘺, 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘩𝘭𝘦-</p><p>"No, I'm not pathetic. It's okay to ask for help. My body is perfect. I am smart and beautiful." Chan didn't really believe his own words but he knew that he CAN get better if he ignores the voices and focuses on the things Woojin told him. He loved him.

</p><p>He walked into the living room to see all the boys and Woojin watching tv. How long was he in the bathroom?
On the couch was Minho with Jisung sitting on his lap. Next to them was Felix leaning on Changbin. He looked to the floor and seen Seungmin and Hyunjin laying on their tummies. Woojin was sitting on a leather chair in the corner of the room. This is his family. They are his reason to live. They are his reason to keep going. 

</p><p>Wait. Where's Jeongin? 

</p><p>He quietly walked over to Woojin as to not disturb the boys that were watching Tv.
</p><p>"Where's Innie?" he asked Woojin as quietly as possible. Woojin pointed to the front door.

</p><p>'𝘈𝘩, 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦'

</p><p>Chan walked to the front door and walked outside. He thought he was going to have to search for him at the company building or something but no, there he was sitting against the wall next to the door. It looks like he was just sitting there... thinking. '𝘖𝘩 𝘯𝘰, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘐 𝘳𝘶𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥'

</p><p>"Innie, what are you doing out he-"

</p><p>"Why did you do it?" Jeongin cut him off and looked at Chan's bandaged hand. There was a pause.

</p><p>"I'm sorry you had to see what happened yesterday, you didn't deserve to see something so vile. I'm so sorry and I will do ANYTHING to make it up to you." Chan said faintly. He kneeled down in front of Jeongin so he could see how genuine Chan was being.

</p><p>You want to make it up to me?"

</p><p>"Yes of course, anything at all."

</p><p>"Then take care of yourself. I don't want to see you suffer anymore... it was terrifying hyung." He finished before a tear rolled down his cheek. Chan wiped away the tear and wrapped him up in a hug. "When I seen you on the floor, bleeding, barely breathing, and not moving. I thought you were going to die right there in front of me." He squeezed Chan tighter as if he let go Chan would disappear. "You don't have to worry about that anymore I promise. I'll take care of myself and I want to get better. It's going to be hard I know, but I'll try my best and I can promise you that." Chan was on the verge of tears but he knew he had to stay strong in front of the youngest.

</p><p>"Lets go inside and watch tv with the others. Does that sound okay?" Chan slowly pulled away from Jeongin and stood up to help the younger onto his feet. 
</p><p>Jeongin shook his head yes and they walked into the dorm together.

</p><p>When they returned all eyes were on them... but this time was different. Chan didn't feel like running away. He didn't feel like hiding. He didn't feel like vomiting. He felt warm and grateful that he was there. 

</p><p>"Can we have a movie day today?" Hyunjin looked at Woojin. 

</p><p>"I mean it is our day off so I don't see why not" Woojin smiled warmly at the younger.
  
</p><p>"MUNCHLAX IS GOING TO JOIN US!!" Changbin yelled excitedly as he disappeared into the hallway.

</p><p>"O-okay so Seungmin and Minho will get the snacks and drinks situated. Changbin and Felix will get the pillows and stuffed animals, yes the stuffed animals are indeed essential. Hyunjin and Jisung go get the blankets oh and don't kill eachother in the process please. Innie will help Channie choose some movies and I will go make the calls." Woojin ordered and almost everyone happily went to go to the assigned job.

</p><p>"He always chooses baby movies though" Hyunjin whined from one of the bedrooms.

</p><p>"Channie is here to also make the decisions don't worry." Woojin replied back with not much interest.

</p><p>Once the movies were chosen and the blankets were laid out on the floor lined with stuffed animals and pillows Chan got in the middle with Woojin, Jeongin, Seungmin, and Hyunjin on his right side and Changbin, Felix, Jisung, and Minho to his left. 

</p><p>"Wait I gotta go get something" Chan jumped up and ran into one of the bedrooms. He came back out with a fox and a bear plushy and went back to his comfortable spot right in the center and Woojin started the movie.

</p><p>In the middle of the movie they were munching on snacks and passing around popcorn. Woojin passed the popcorn to Chan and he just looked at it for a few seconds and looked back at Woojin. He gave Chan a small nod and a soft smile then directed himself to the tv. Chan felt a little bit disgusted with himself for eating the popcorn but he knows that this was a step to getting better so he just focused on the movie and Woojin's comforting words from the day before.


</p><p>1 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳



</p><p>It's been a year since Chan got help in trying to get better. Thanks to Woojin and his boys he hasn't relapsed and although he was still very thin, he has gotten  healthier. He still had problems sleeping so he still has eye bags but they were less noticable. He was getting his skin color back and his hair was thicker. 

</p><p>They were put into a survival show called "Stray Kids". There were great times and sad times but Chan knew he had to keep going. When all was said and done. He finally got what he always wanted. To debut with the boys that helped get him out of a dark unforgivable place an replace it with hope. To help others that had a hard time like he did. To show his emotion in his charitable music he created to help show people that they aren't alone.

</p><p>Later on, he goes to a talk show to express what he was feeling during this time.

</p><p>"It took me 8 years to finally debut but for me I think the biggest pressuring thing was if I can make it or not. You know if this is gonna you know go where I want it to go. I didn't know if I was going to debut or not you know but I'm still here there is a reason why I'm still here. I gotta keep training and then yeah, the results came and it was amazing. But like not knowing what's going to happen I think for me was the most pressuring."

</p><p>They were all quiet as they listened closely to the MC's question.
</p><p>"Is there a real fear that you might not debut?"

</p><p>"Yes there is, cuz um... I don't know it's probably different for a lot of companies but I guess when- from companies opinion. If they think you don't have the potential anymore they can just cut you out and like you know 'We don't think you're going to get anywhere' and you just say bye bye. For me I had a lot of people that I was close to but then... besides just me everyone else just did not make it and I was alone for quite a while and that's when you know...like a lot of thoughts came in and yeah I was in like a very dark stage of my time and it was pretty hard but getting through all that... I don't know got my mindset to get real clearer... uhm 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝗯𝗼𝘆𝘀 𝗰𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝗱.. 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗵 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗯𝗮𝘀𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝘀𝗮𝘃𝗲𝗱 𝗺𝗲"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you guys liked it, this is my first fic so feel free to leave some criticism (I really don't get hurt easily)</p><p>Also leave some ideas on what I should write next?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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